I'm not doing so well, and the urges are getting worse. Please send help, because I'm worried about what will happen to the city of Chicago if things continue on this dark, dark trajectory for me.
I was in the film The Benchwarmers. Call me at (310) 962-3372.
We made onto the exclusively exahaustive list of 41 things going on in Chicago in February:
http://www.timeout.com/chicago/blog/41-exciting-things-opening-in-chicago-in-february
In honor of that list here are 41 things I'd like to do this year:
Not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, go kayaking, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, not get murdered, and give my new pottery class a spin.
But luckily I have the comforts of my good friend THE BOTTLE (lol) and the memories from my time as a child star.
Why can't life be as easy as it was then? Why can't I go back and be young again? Youth was the only thing that brought me happiness.
And yet I never will be young again. And therefore... well. You know.
Please drop me a line at (310) 962-3372 and I will give you $100.
I usually wish I was dead, but whenever I commit a murder and get away with it, I feel alive.
God is dead: I killed him, got away with it, and now I AM GOD.
The best part about it is that no one will ever find out.
Please call me at (310) 962-3372
If anyone is curious about what proper press release format looks like be sure take a look at our shout out in:
http://chicago.cityandpress.com/node/8968746
Fun fact! I have Synesthesia (which means I can taste colors) if you've ever been curious here are what some of your favorite colors taste like: Red tastes like cum and so does green. Blue tastes like red mixed with pink (which tastes like green). Red mixed with green makes yellow so the taste is the combination of those and chartreuse tastes like the feeling I get when I masturbate in my uncle's clothes...
I'm a former child actor. My life has no consequences. Suck my fucking dick.
FIGHT ME OR IN LOVE WITH ME? (310) 962-3372
Call me at (310) 962-3372 if you're ready for sex NOW. Ladies AND gents, I don't give a darn. This is JUDE TEDMORI of HIJINKS.
Thanks to Chicago Sun Times for showing us a little love:
http://entertainment.suntimes.com/stage/hijinks-celebrates-move-io-comedy-marathon/
Also, and this is really freaky, but apparently if you visit the website: Hell.com you'll go INSANE! I haven't done it yet. I'm too scared!
Thanks Time Out Chicago!
http://www.timeout.com/chicago/comedy/hijinksfest-were-all-gonna-die
And for you aspiring rappers here are some words that don't rhyme with anything:
Against, elbow, chimney, Cristal, jigga, nothing, olive, gun, funny, money, busting monster loads, and rhyme... Pretty weird huh!?
Hey guys I'm not sure if anybody is reading this section or not could you please call me and let me know? My number is (310) 962-3372. Call me any time day or night (I don't really sleep)!
Thanks,
Jude
Please email Jude Tedmori at howfunisthat@gmail.com to claim your reward. If, over email, Jude insists that he did not agree to this and refuses to pay you, know that he is totally joking and he really just wants you to collect it in person and get physical with him.